Dear Juliet, Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat?

So you’ve been cheated on. It was heartbreaking to the say the least. You were devastated, barely able to eat or crying into a tub full of ice cream. You spend every night watching and re-watching sad, romantic movies and crying yourself to sleep. The whole thing has you feeling insecure, confused and just plain sad that you question the thought of being in a relationship ever again. You also feel so torn; the cheating obviously does not suddenly switch “off” all the feelings you had for your significant other. You are ultimately left with the question of “should I take him/her back?” or the most common thought “will he/she cheat on me again?”.

You may be like some people and never want to go back to that, in order to avoid even the slightest risk of it ever happening again. You put your heart in a cage, lock it and throw away the key. Or you may fall into another group of people who are open to forgiveness and the idea that people make mistakes and can change. Although it might be of ‘unpopular opinion’ I believe that the term “once a cheater always a cheater” is completely false.

Research studies show that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.

But the good news is this: Many people who are in committed relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs.

If you have been cheated on but your heart and most importantly your gut is telling you that you want to give the relationship another shot, then listen to yourself. Give it another go, but do so wisely. I’ve put together a list of things you can keep an eye out for to make sure that your significant other is not a chronic cheater and that your relationship still has hope.

  1. True remorse. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets their choices. When you hear apologies your gut should tell you it is sincere.
  2. Zero contact with whomever they cheated with. This one should be obvious, but I felt it still needed a spot on the list.
  3. They show you a new sense of appreciation and respect. Hey! You took them back with your massive heart and ability to forgive; it is the least they owe you.
  4. More open and honest conversations. You and your partner should be able to talk more openly and honestly about your relationship, find out what went wrong what needs fixing and where do you want to go from this point onwards?
  5. Your partner wants an outside perspective. If your partner wants to seek a bit of counseling with or without you, to reflect on the relationship or just focus on themselves and their role in the relationship to better them, this is always a good sign.

Keep in mind one very important thing, if everything on this list adds up with your partner and yet they still continue the affair or worse yet starts up another one, then beware, you are dealing with a player with a calculated sense of manipulation, and that dear readers, is a whole other article. But to put it short and sweet if it does happen again, move on and avoid heartbreak. The world is huge and full of options, just be careful what you pick.

“ Dear Juliet,

My boyfriend of 2 years has suddenly started acting really weird, he keeps getting random calls on his phone which he has to answer in private and he seems very secretive when he gets text messages, could he be cheating?”
– Shereen

Dear Shereen

Although this may seem like suspicious behavior, do not jump to conclusions. Be frank with him and if you feel like something is up just ask. If he seems reluctant to answer or avoids your questions all together, then your gut might be telling you something. Either that or he is planning to propose to you or planning a birthday party? Men are terrible with surprises.

Good luck girl xx

“Dear Juliet,

My girlfriend cheated on me a few months ago and I broke up with her and we haven’t been together for almost the same amount of time we were in a relationship for which was 6 months. I miss her and want her back but I’m scared it’s too late? Help.”
– Hameed

Dear Hameed

Ask yourself this and also refer to the useful little list I’ve put up to help you in situations like this. Were you able to gauge if she was remorseful and ready to change when you ended it with her? Or was it because you truly felt she couldn’t? Clearly your heart is telling you, you want to give it another shot. Now listen to your gut, is she worth it? If so it is never too late to try again, although how she feels, only she will know. I hope you get what you want in the end.

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