In a society where divorce is becoming a norm it is no longer a concern to save a marriage or try to walk back and find the real problem so you can resolve it. It is cool to be „independent‟ and brave to have gone through a separation or a divorce and be „over‟ the person who you used to think you cannot be apart with for a second. Friends would give a pat on the back and say your ex-spouse was not worthy of you and he/she didn’t deserve you anyway, and you would believe it. But really, are any of the relationships not worth fighting for? Was it just another chapter in your life? Do we have that many years and resources to start over a new life with a new partner? Is it the same as starting to write on a new page from a book on a blank white page?
In such a society, both men and women get a lot of chances to defend on their arguments to support their case. If we want to list the reasons of divorce in Maldives, the list will go on and on, varying from “she ate from my mother‟s thelli ala jar” (believe or not, but a real case) from “he cheated on me with my sister”.
So in this column we will try to look into reasons and see what really happens along the relationship that ultimately results in a divorce or breakup? And is it worth all the emotional hassle as sometimes it can only be an alarm to wake up in a relationship.
For this article, let’s just focus on the more common reasons. According to a professional working in the family court, the cases of men appealing to divorce their wives are more in number than women appealing to be divorced from their husbands. So, ladies, in this month’s issue, let’s see why they just give up on the marriage.
“I donno what happened, but I don’t feel like we love each other anymore. She is always busy with the kids and home chores.”
“She changed. It’s like I bought an IPhone but it functions as a baththi phone.”
“My friends used to tell me how lucky I am and now look at her! She doesn’t even make an attempt to look nice!”
“She knows I always prefer her hair down with dangling earrings and to wear skirts. She used to go out with me looking lovely, but after marrying she just don’t care what I want or prefers. I can’t keep reminding her every time!”
These are some of the things men say when asked why their marriages ended. But of course only after much probing do they reveal these. Most don’t know what exactly cause a relationship to breakdown. Most probably because so many snags happen with nothing to resolve and it keeps piling up higher and higher and when it can no longer hold, it tumbles down scattering all into different directions.
And when all problems are scattered, we only see the ones that have fallen near to us and not all. Meaning the ones that are easiest to remember.
Going back in a marriage let’s see how it all starts.
Boy meets Girl
In such a small society where everyone knows each other, if we try to „experiment‟, we get labeled and ultimately a reputation is created. Some of us take the risk and explore the possibilities and jump from one relationship to another, while the more cautious kind tries to avoid the hopping. But ultimately it all begins with the attraction that is the glue which keeps them together in the long run.
“I still remember the day I saw her. It was in my cousin’s fifteenth birthday party. She was the most beautiful girl there. She stands out from the rest of the crowd with a red dress hugging her figure. I tried to catch her eyes and then she looked at me and smiled. Her smile melted my heart.” Said one of my friends. He started dating her then.
It is cool to be ‘independent’ and brave to have gone through a separation or a divorce and be ‘over’ the person who you used to think you cannot be apart with for a second.
The boy will tell her how he felt when he saw her at that party wearing the red dress. She will try to wear something similar for him every time they go out, to please him. He will say how lovely she looks when she smiles and she would always smile and laugh at every little thing that she sees or that happens when with him.
… and then they got married and lived happily ever after!
When we were young the fairytales tells us how soulmates are met and the journey to „win‟ the love of their lives and in the end it all ends with them getting married to lead a smooth happy life for the rest of their lives. We are falsely promised that a marriage is an end to all our life’s drama. So we marry only to find out that life only begins from there!
Snow-white sings and bakes pies and it is expected she still does that even after her marriage. She still wears long skirts and has her short hair tied with a ribbon, like a hairband. So for Prince Charming, she is still the one he saved with true love’s kiss from a sleeping state in a glass coffin. Nothing changes.
But in our marriages so much change and we forget to make attempts to try and remember where it all started and take life for granted. Taking everything in it for granted as well. For instance, let’s take the case of the girl who managed to capture a boy’s heart with a smile. Suppose she gets a baby and with that there will be so many responsibilities and life changes and adjusts to a routine. Home chores, bills and work responsibilities, weekly visits to the relatives and she has no time to go to gym or parties anymore. Suddenly fancy dresses and make up kits seems to cost too much and takes up a lot of time. Clothes that used to fit well no longer do. So a jeans and a shirt becomes all too convenient after work when rushing to and from home to school, and in all the hassle smiling is just not natural to her anymore. For her husband, she is totally a different person. She no longer is the woman he married. If he can’t see the woman he married in his wife, would he then walk away?
Wake UP!
Ladies, it’s not in their nature to always point out things and communicate every time something goes wrong. Normally the eating of thelli ala being the reason for divorce is not the real problem, but probably an excuse as he is not interested in you anymore. If there are small things that irritate him, which has not happened before, it’s the alarm. Don’t ignore it. It’s the wakeup call. Be proactive.
Remember what started the whole thing. What attracted him to you. If you must, write it down so you will not forget. Trust me, every relationship is worth giving a fight before you call it quits.
